I remember thinking when I reached a certain age I’d know pretty much everything.
Turns out, no.
I still don’t know even the most basic things, and a lot of what I once knew I can no longer remember.
Here’s a short list of things I still don’t know:
- What to pack or wear no matter where I’m going or what I’m doing aside from a black turtleneck and ten pairs of underpants.
- What I can and can’t eat. For example: Eggs? Yes or no? Nobody knows.
- If I’m a tiny bit autistic or just very sensitive to all socks.
- If my mom really loved my sister more than me.
- What I look like.
- Where I should live.
- Whether or not I should stop coming up with ideas for businesses.
- Whether or not I should start a small pharmaceutical company.
- Where my social security card is.
- What I smell like to other people. I think it’s somewhere between 14 year old boy and shampoo.
- How to sew a button on my shirt without accidentally sewing it to my pants.
- How television shows get in the tv. It doesn’t seem possible.
- How to drive so as not to appear drunk.
- How to make my bed.
- How to park so as not to appear drunk.
- How to know when someone’s lying.
- How to know when someone’s stealing. For example: Where are all my bras and forks? I know for a fact I had a lot more forks.
- How to wear a hat indoors without repeatedly mentioning it.
- How to grow my own food or even one tomato.
- What do they mean by, “first down?”
- How the internet works.
- How electricity works.
- Who’s paying all of my bills?
- Is the air fryer supposed to just clean itself.
- Should I take my statin or not. Again, no one knows.
- How did I tear my meniscus? I was just sitting there doing nothing.
- Why does my hair turn orange every time I wash it? Who is doing this to me?
- Is my water contaminated?
- Is the stock market real or are they just making up numbers?
- See? I don’t know anything.
- How long can I possibly go on like this?
If you know the answers to any of these questions please feel free to call me.
32. What is my phone number?