You know how Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, knows everything? Yeah, well he doesn’t. The man treats his dogs like animals. And what’s worse is that according to him I do everything wrong. And that’s just not possible. Because my dog has perfect manners.

People actually think I trained her.

In fact, she’s so good I feel sorry for her sometimes and try to teach her to do bad things. I taught her to beg for food for instance. Because that never came naturally to her. Begging is something I find absolutely adorable. I love when she puts her paw on my hand and tilts her head with her eyebrows all scrunched together. That just kills me. I wish she would beg all day.

If you listen to Cesar your dog is supposed to walk behind you on a leash. I’m sorry but I can’t walk that fast and my dog would never not wait for me. So why should I cut in front of her? I’m not a rude person. I don’t use a leash anyway. I don’t like the feeling of anything around my neck and I just assume my dog and I are alike in that way.

Cesar also says your dog has to work for her food (i.e., walk like eight thousand miles). What are we, cavemen? We typically eat breakfast on the porch and leisurely watch the birds flock to their feeder, and then later, when we both feel energetic, we go out for a nice stroll.

He also says discipline first, and then love. Don’t believe that either. Discipline is mean and cruel. I would never discipline an innocent animal. If my dog happens to make a mistake, I simply write her a note explaining what she did wrong so she can read it in private without feeling as though she’s being judged.

Neither of my kids have ever been punished either. I swear to God. Ask them. Never. And they’re the nicest people I know.

I recommend that you forget Cesar and go with the Stephanie Lessing approach to dog training. It’s very simple. You just let them do whatever they want and kiss and hug them constantly. Give them all of your food and let them sleep on your bed. I even let my dog think Dan is her husband.

I’m not saying my methods will work for everyone. Actually, I am.