Dear Vogue:

I am fat livid.  What you did to Lena Dunham is a miracle disgrace.  You took the purest face and body on the planet, and you turned it into a sexed up, skinny, dirty, artistic masterpiece sham. Do you have any idea what this does to me the American female psyche?  Lena was our last friend in the at least I try harder than her category hope. She gave us permission to be slobs human.  I imagine her saying, “Look, I am a genius with artist parents who taught me how to freely express myself from a very young age, so in the only way that really matters I am actually nothing like you a human being like you. Compared to the average model, when you’re naked you look bad like me, whether you like it or not. And guess what. When you have sex, this is what it looks like. Not that.  This.”

For those of us who are fat not anorexic, supermodels, Lena was our punching bag superstar. She turned being normal into something cool and fashionable. She turned our fat naturally beautiful bodies, into something wearing a onesie with a humongous tattoo acceptable– something with integrity, heart and soul.

I beg of you, Vogue, can you please call me stop tearing down our healthy female role models and turning them into some archaic, backlit, caricature of the feminine form, a coked-out raunchy, sex goddess toy.

If Vogue ever called me to say they wanted to do a makeover on me, the likes of which they did on Lena Dunham, I would give my soul to Satan tell them to leave me the keys to the apartment of anyone on the masthead who needs their floors cleaned the hell alone. I have better things to do with my time then sit around and wait for a bunch of fashion and beauty experts to primp and dress me in magnificent clothes and turn me into the person I actually I imagined I looked like this whole time their sock puppet.

In closing, Vogue, let me just say that I love the original Lena Dunham. I think she’s as beautiful as she is brilliant and her body is lovable in the way a body should be lovable, in that it’s actually lovable. In fact, I love her so much I want to call her parents and thank them for making her. I also want to call Vogue and tell them that even though they didn’t choose me edited her, I applaud their decision to go with Lena in the first place. She is, after all, the new American woman. She is the voice of her generation and the new feminine ideal. If you see this, Lena, just know you were already perfect before they retouched you, and thank you for fulfilling every girl’s dream of being on the cover of Vogue loved for who she really is.