I thought since it’s Mother’s Day it might be nice to reflect on what it means to be a mother.  Right now I’m reflecting on my elbows.  I sort of wish I hadn’t spotted them out of the corner of my eye.  I always assumed they were fine.

Not so.

They look depressed.  Perhaps they’ve seen too much of this life. I always thought I kept them hidden from everything.  They don’t even face forward.  But they’ve apparently had their share of woes.

I’ve seen these sort of elbows on other people but I never thought it could happen to me.  I’m pretty sure there’s a quick and easy surgery to fix them, but I could never even so much as inquire about it.  The fact that I even know I have unhappy looking elbows is a bad sign for my children.  It proves I’m not using my time wisely.

This, my readers, is what being a mother is all about.

From the moment you give birth you become accountable for every single one of your thoughts and actions.  Because, from that day forward, someone is always watching you.  Even when they’re too young to talk, trust me; they’re watching.  And they become incredibly good at figuring out what you’re thinking.

That’s why you can no longer sit in front of the mirror and waste the day critiquing your elbows. The truth is once you become a mother, you can no longer do anything you really feel like doing.  Anything wrong that is. Wrong meaning: shallow, immoral, unhealthy, a tiny bit rude or even a drop lazy. Because once you lose your credibility, you’ve lost them.  I can’t begin to tell you how much this sucks for a person like myself who enjoys doing all sorts of wrong things throughout the day.  Here’s what you can no longer do once you’re a mother:

(Actually you can do all of these things but every single one of them will come back to bite you.)

1)You can never admit that you’ve heard of the word "bong." Never.  This is a rule every mother knows.  If you break this rule, God will punish you by giving you kids who think you’re stoned all the time, and, who, therefore, walk all over you.

2)You can’t stand in front of the refrigerator and just eat whatever comes to mind.  You have to pick a few things and use a plate.  If you break this rule you will definitely have chubby children.

3)You can’t think boys are cute anymore.  Boys or men, none of them.  Your kids will spot it instantly and tell your husband you cheated.  Even if you only said something perfectly innocent like, "nice ass."

4)You can’t try on all the clothes in your closet and then just leave them on the floor.  Actually you can do this once or twice if you say that you were planning on repainting your closet, but try it more than twice-without ever picking up a paint brush-and your kids will just think you’re a slob and a liar.

5)You can’t put on makeup while driving.  Your kids could die from this one so it’s better if you just show up on the car pool line looking ill and unhappy.

6)You can never gossip about relatives. Your kids will hear you.  They’ll think it’s okay. This will backfire.  Someday your kids will get married.  And you’ll be a relative.

7)You can’t walk around topless.  Not even for one solitary second.  Not even if the house is on fire and you’re trying to escape.  It’s best that you just burst into flames. That’s how traumatic it is if your son accidentally gets a glimpse of your bosoms.

8)You can’t watch the Flinstones anymore either.

9)Or anything on the E channel.

10)Or South Park.

11)But you can watch Family Guy for some reason.

If you’re planning a family, I hope this helps.