I have a friend who loves to watch television.  She leaves it on all the time, even when she’s in the shower.  She leaves the door open so she can hear it.  It’s not that she’s lonely.  She has four children, three sisters and a very nice husband. It’s just that she loves movies. I’d say she has most of them memorized.  I love television too, but I rarely admit it and I only watch during the day if I’m sick or severely injured. 

Anyway, I was at this particular friend’s house a couple of days ago looking at her new backsplash when she turned to me and said, “Want to watch something?”

She could have said, “Want to shoplift something?” and it would have felt exactly the same. 

I looked around.  There was no one home.  Her maid was off and the kids were at school. 

“Sure, I mean, I guess so,” I whispered, looking down at the floor.

She brought a big bag of Halloween candy in with us and sat right down on her big leather chair. I sat on the sofa with my legs crossed trying to remain as uncomfortable as possible.

We started watching “Friends with Money.”  My friend explained to me that Brad was leaving Jennifer during the filming of this movie and that’s why Jen was so good at playing the downtrodden maid.

“Ah,” I said, peeking out the window. 

“Candy?” she asked.

“No, thank you,” I said primly.

And wouldn’t you know it, about ten minutes into the movie, her sister-in-law walks right in the house to deliver some papers to my friend’s husband.  I happen to know this woman because her daughter used to go to school with my children.

“I never do this!!” I yelled.  “I was just coming by to see the new backsplash and then the next thing I know, we’re watching TV.  It’s insane, I know.”

“What’re you watching?” she asked taking a seat.

“Friends with Money.”

“Oh, yeah. I remember that one.  I think Brad was breaking up with Jennifer during the filming of this one.”

I felt my jaw loosen a bit as she dipped her hand into the candy bowl.  A few minutes later, my friend’s neighbor walked in.  Apparently no one knocks anymore. 

“I just took a Xanax,” she said.

“In the middle of the day?” my friend asked, adjusting the volume. Louder

“I had an anxiety attack,” her neighbor yelled.

“Oh, well then I guess that’s okay.”
“And then I was so tired, I spent the whole day in bed.   I saw Stephanie’s car so I thought I’d come say hello.”

“I know what you’re thinking but I never watch TV like this when it’s light out.  She forced me!” I said, pointing to my friend.

“She just said she spent the entire day in bed and you’re making excuses for watching television,” my friend yelled at me, pointing at her friend.

“She’s right. Watching TV would have been a lot more productive,” her neighbor said, and fished out a Reeses.

“Just watch the movie,” my friend said to both of us. The neighbor and I both put our feet up on the ottoman.

And then just when the girl with the short black hair who plays the wife of the man without any feelings goes to her friend’s house to complain that her husband called her fat, my friend’s husband walks in and says, “Having fun, ladies?”

“I never do this!” I said and shot up.

“Would you stop already?  He’s home in the middle of the day, and you’re making excuses to him,” my friend said to me, and sort of to her husband, who I think is retired, which is sort of odd because he’s not even forty.

Just then my cell phone rang.  It was Dan.

“What’re you doing?” he asked.

“I’m sitting in a room filled with people who are watching television, but I’m trying not to look.”
“Oh, that sounds fun,” he said.

“Where are you?” I asked.

“Starbucks.”