I’m going to be thin in three months. I swear on everything holy. Isn’t that great news?

I worked it all out on paper.  I have a full diet plan. And the good news is that it includes cheesecake!  I know it sounds as though I’m kidding myself there with the cheesecake, but it’s sugar free!  They sell it at Whole Foods. I almost didn’t want to tell anyone about it because I’m typically selfish and peculiar when it comes to food, but, in this case, I feel compelled to share my little secret. Actually it’s more like a little obsession than a little secret.

As a matter of fact I was planning to go to Whole Foods today to get some. The thing is Kim has a stomach flu today, so technically I shouldn’t leave her. . .

Three hours later:

  I waited until she was fast asleep to leave the house (I swear) but God punished me anyway.  Whole Foods, which is exactly one half hour from my house, was sold out!  They had cappuccino but I don’t like that flavor. I almost started crying.  So I did the unthinkable.  I called the manufacturer, which happens to be a baker in Glen Rock (only 40 miles from Whole Foods).  This is a true story; I actually called them to see if I could buy them direct.  And as fate would have it, the recording on their voicemail said they are a wholesaler and a retailer.  Can you imagine how I felt?  But the voicemail also said they were closed on Mondays.

So I drove there anyway.

When I got there, as one might have thought, the door was locked.  So I started frantically banging on all the doors to the entire warehouse until one actually flew open. I don’t know what came over me.  I’m normally much more reserved.

Tears filled my eyes when I spotted the two little women in the back of the kitchen wearing matching hairnets.

“Are you open?” I called to them.  My voice was shrill.

“No, we close.  I sorry.”

So then I said, “Can you help me anyway? It’s sort of an emergency.”

I could tell she was nice or I wouldn’t have begged.

She walked over to me, slowly, and said, “How  I can help you?”

I know, I love her too.

“Well,” I explained.  “I’m on a diet, and I need to eat one of your little mini cheesecakes every day.”
“I understand,” she said. 

Still all true.

“So anyway,” I continued, “I drove all the way from Demarest to Edgewater to Whole Foods to load up on cheesecake, but they’re not getting a delivery until Thursday.”

I then went on to explain about Kim having the stomach flu and how I used to weigh 108, but that I gained some weight with the birth of each of my children and books that I just couldn’t seem to take off, (and then I whispered in her ear what I weigh now)and so forth and so on, and then I remembered that I didn’t have any cash, so I said, “Oh, and I don’t have any money.”
So she said, “Let me see what I have in the freezer and you can pay me with a check.”

So far so good, right?

So I went with 25 plain and 15 strawberry.  I wanted marble but she was all out.  So I wrote her a check and told her I’d be back once a month or so depending on how many cakes my children stole from me.  We hugged and that was that.

A happy ending, I’m sure you agree.  But that’s only because you don’t know me very well.  You don’t know that I was converted to Catholicism by my babysitter, Helen Todd, at age five(unless you’ve been reading my blogs for a very long time) and that even though I’m still Jewish, I live in fear of God every minute of my life and assume I’ll be punished for so much as saying a curse word. And because I think this way and live my life in utter panic, I am always punished.  As I was today.

On the way home, I felt as though I had to sample one of the cheesecakes.  True they were frozen, but I was desperate.  Turns out I got 40 no carbs cheesecakes when, in fact, the ones I get at Whole Foods are sugar free with a tiny bit of carbs.  This is a sad story I’m telling you because the no carbs cheesecakes are bright yellow and they taste like Play Doh.  Again, I felt like crying, but I deserved it. I hated myself for leaving Kim, for being a slave to cheesecake, for working so hard for something I love only to be once again made a fool of in the eyes of our Lord.  I mentally flogged myself the whole way home until I was bloody and exhausted . . . .mentally.

I took the box of the wrong cheesecakes and shoved them in my garage freezer, and called Dan.

“You know those cheesecakes I keep getting from Whole Foods.  The ones that I love so much that you can’t talk to me while I’m eating them?”
“Yes.”
“Well, they were all out of them at Whole Foods so I went to the bakery in Glen Rock to get a case.”
“You’re joking.”
“Nope.  I spent ninety dollars.”

“I’m working, you know that, right?”
“I know, but I need you to exchange them. I got no carbs instead of low carbs.  It’s a long story, but I can’t go back there and face that woman. I showed up there on a whim, without any money, and she still let me have them.  They weren’t even open.  I can’t bother her again.  It’s just wrong. Can you get me 40 plain or 40 marble, and make sure they’re sugar free, and not carb free, and return the ones I bought?  You have no idea what this means to me.  I know it sounds silly, but I can’t live without these cheesecakes and I’m sick of being punished every day of my life!!  I’m a decent human being.  I’m just hungry.  And please understand that I would do it myself- but I’m just too shy.”
“You want me to return 40 cheesecakes?”
“Yes please.”
“How about if I just eat them and get you the kind you want?”

I’d never even considered such a thing.  Helen was right.  God does work in mysterious ways.  He punishes me every day, but, at the same time, he gave me a husband who saves me. 

That’s the beauty of being Catholic and Jewish at the same time.  You get to have your cake, and eat it too.