Girl Without Eyebrows
Now be
careful here because my favorite girl in the world is missing her eyebrows and
you don’t want to mess with me. The
only reason I mention her is because the no eyebrow controversy has been around
since the days of cigarette holders and I feel it’s my duty to publicly defend
girls without eyebrows once and for all.
First of
all, not having eyebrows, although frightening-looking, isn’t as bizarre as it
seems. It could happen to anyone. Everyone gets a little carried away with the tweezer now and then. The
only difference between the girl with no eyebrows and the rest of us is that
she went all the way in her quest for perfection. You know how it is when you’re sitting there trying to reshape
your arch and you’re thinking, “If I just take out one more, I’ll have created
the world’s first perfect brow!” So you
pluck that one tiny, extra hair and now you have a little bald patch.
“One
hair,” you’re thinking. “One freakin’
hair and now my life is ruined.”
But that’s
what we pluckers fail to realize, one eyebrow hair covers a lot more ground
than that for which we give it credit. They’re much longer than they look when they’re still attached to our
heads, and if one of them gets bent, it messes up everything. The girl with no eyebrows just couldn’t take
it anymore. She somehow convinced
herself that the best way to solve things would be to start over with a clean
slate. This doesn’t make her a bad person. Impulsive, perhaps, but not bad. If you’re a girl with no eyebrows, listen to me. It’s not your fault.
The truth
is there’s more than one person in my life who doesn’t have eyebrows, and they
are, I admit, both related to me. They will remain nameless, but I will say
this: One of them was senile and she had no idea what she was doing. However, after she’d committed the
unthinkable, she did have the wherewithal to notice the difference between her
and everyone else and so she took to drawing a thin, clown like tee-pee over
each eye in lieu of eyebrows.
The other
person in my life who went the extra mile was born with one eyebrow about a
half inch higher than the other.
Again, not her fault.
Raise one eyebrow. It makes you look suspicious, right? Well, that’s how she felt all the time so she just went ahead and
tweezed off the offending brow. This is
a true story by the way.
It immediately became apparent that she had created
a problem and there went the other brow. The thing is once you tweeze off your eyebrows completely, they never
really grow back. It’s almost as if they know what you did. You get a few
strays here and there, but you never get the full sweep.
As if
this isn’t bad enough, this poor girl now has to create life-like brows on her
forehead every day for the rest of her life, with a pencil. You try to draw
hair on your face and then tell me this isn’t a real problem.
And then,
after she spends hours trying to draw herself eyebrows, she has to ask everyone
in her family if they are on straight. She asks anyone who walks by. One by one they all lie. If anyone is stupid
enough to say that they are not perfect, she’ll rub them both off and start all
over. She has been late everyday of her
life for everything for decades because of this. If she does show up on time
for something, it’s usually because she forgot to put them on.
My point
being, as always, there’s a reason for everything. And who among us can honestly say we’ve never ventured into
dangerous territory when it comes to removing hair we might very well want back
some day. I rest my case.
