Recently Jesse and Dan were talking about some comedian who joked that praying was pretty much the same thing as wishing. They were laughing, so I laughed too, even though there’s a huge difference between the two. Wishing is enthusiastic, upbeat and energetic. It’s more like a dog begging. When you’re wishing you’re saying, “I hope magic happens because life is full of possibilities!” Praying, on the other hand, is more like whining. When you’re praying, you’re saying:
Dear God, please, please, please, can you get me x, I need it, and I can’t live a happy, fulfilled life without it, and as much as I hate asking, I think we both know you’re the only thing holding me back from getting x. So please, please, please give me “x” and I’ll never “y” again.
So the difference is wishing is cuter, but neither way works. It’s not your fault that your prayers aren’t being answered. It’s not because you’re a bad person or that God is too busy for you. It’s because you’ve been given bad advice on how to pray. You can’t expect miracles if you openly wine or beg. You’ll just end up sounding like a baby.
The worst advice of all is when the experts say we should count our blessings before praying for things we don’t have. How is that helpful? I could see counting your blessings after you get stuff, but before? All this bad praying advice is the reason so many people are so unfulfilled. Fortunately, there is a way to pray and win!
The trick is you have to make it sound like you’re not being totally selfish. That’s really the whole thing. And the way to accomplish this is by lying. Feel free to use some of my more recent prayers as a template. Obviously you’ll need to make some substitutions, but try to stick to my formula. I get tons of stuff and I don’t even have a real job.
As you may be aware, I still don’t have a way to house and feed everyone on the planet. That was something I was sure I would have invented by now because in sixth grade I vowed to devote my entire life to redirecting all the money we spend on going to the moon to feeding people on earth. The truth is all I’ve done so far is complain about it. I’ve yet to so much as Google, “How to feed the entire world.” My guess is I felt defeated before I even started because my invention is going to require many billions of dollars. So far I don’t even have one billion. Isn’t that so weird?
I know this sounds far-fetched but deep down I believe I could be the one to solve global warming if some kind and patient scientist would just explain to me how earth works. I realize I need to get more in touch with nature. And I plan to! For example, today I will go outside. I know nature is where all of life’s answers are hidden. That’s why I need an outdoor project, i.e., a certain miniature horse, whose name is Bubbles, who I know for a fact would look amazing wearing a flower crown on my front lawn. If, perchance, I did get Bubbles, I would spend more time outside, on my lawn, petting and dressing Bubbles, making her hats, and getting in touch with nature, which is, as previously mentioned, where the answers to all of life’s questions are hidden. So, in short. I really need Bubbles if I’m going to save the planet.
You know what I sometimes wonder? I wonder when I will have a grandchild. For example: A boy or a girl. If it doesn’t happen soon, God, there’s a chance I will be too old to teach them how to save planet earth.
It appears I am very much in need of a neck lift. I know this sounds vain but it’s honestly for other people. It’s for when they look at my neck.
I hope to wake up one day with a sunnier, more even disposition. I never smile unless something is so laugh out loud funny I fall to the floor convulsing and peeing. This can’t be right.
Dear God; I would very much like lower cholesterol. I really feel the number I was given is terribly unfair, rude almost.
Dear God: How about one of those flat stomachs that remain flat/stationary even when seated? Aren’t they just remarkable? If I had a stomach like that I would be way more likely to donate my body to Science. And by Science I mean God.
I need a new car. Mine has a hole in it. What if someone falls out?
Have you seen the new brow lift procedure that only requires two stitches. I know I already asked for a neck lift but my neck is so far away from my eyebrows at this point, it’s almost like I’m asking for two different people.
At this point you should wait a few days….And then,
Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I’ve been counting my blessings.